A 22-handicap took on Firestone Country Club's 667-yard 'Monster.' How'd that go?

I took on The Monster.

I did it by sand, by sea, by air and by grass (both long and short). I experienced just about all it has to offer and lived to tell the tale — well, barely.

Hi, I’m Ryan. Nice to meet you. I’m a 22 handicap when it comes to golf. What that basically means is that I’m not great, or maybe average-ish. The normal average for a male handicap often hovers around 13 or 14, so out of people who keep an official handicap rating, I’m about 8-9 strokes above that, though not many people keep handicaps until their scores begin to come down to that range.

I have no ego when it comes to my golf game and enjoy the ever-evolving process of improvement. To get an idea of where my game is, I recently broke 90 for the first time in many years, shooting an 87 at Mallard Creek that, for me, was a pretty outstanding day and a nice personal milestone.

But, basically, I’m someone who might get absolutely crushed by a very, very difficult golf hole.

So, meet The Monster: the 16th hole on The South Course at Firestone Country Club, where the 2024 Kaulig Companies Championship will be held next month, and where Tiger Woods roamed in dominating fashion for so many years.

The Monster is, well, aptly named. It’s a behemoth of a golf hole, even for the pros. Today, fully extended (or when this monster stands on its hind legs, one could say), it measures an almost ridiculous 667 yards. It’s a winding fairway armed with sand traps and trees that leads into an approach shot over water. In other words, it’s a golf hole that more so resembles a shark’s mouth lined with rows and rows of teeth.

To put it another way, it’s downright mean when someone like me tees it up. I am not armed with a 340-yard drive like others. It’s not nice. It’s cruel. There should be some sort of a crime involved when it’s 667 yards and still, somehow, only a par 5 instead a par 7 or par 8, which would offer some mercy. But, no, this hole is ruthless.

It’s also a great deal of fun to play and an enjoyable challenge nestled on one side of a pristine golf course.

Technically, the hole in its entirety measured 666 yards when it was lengthened in 2003, but they didn’t want that number associated with the course, so it’s now listed at 667. But does one yard really matter at that distance? It’s a long, long way.

I had the pleasure of being able to play Firestone’s South Course as part of Media Day leading into the tournament next month. We played most of the day from the white tees, which basically just means that for some amateur golfers, the course creates a challenging but fair obstacle, as it’s much shorter than how the course will be set up for the tournament.

But for The Monster 16th, we played the tips, meaning we teed it off right where the pros would. Could we have taken one of the longest golf holes on the planet and just played the white tees on No. 16 as well? Sure. But that doesn’t end with the same level of amusement in seeing what would happen to an average Joe like me.

As expected, I got roughed up (but had a fantastic time in the process).

The Monster chewed me up in just about every way possible. The course is in excellent condition, as it always is, though thankfully the greens are still manageable. They won’t speed them up for another few weeks. That would have added another layer of trouble for us.

Now before getting into the carnage that ensued for me on No. 16, I should note that this all occurred on a day I felt I played pretty well for my level/handicap (just to the set the stage for where I stood playing level-wise).

Overall, I shot a 97, which for me at a course like Firestone is a fine day. I also hit one of the best shots of my life on the par-3 15th, sticking an 8-iron to within maybe six or seven feet and then sinking the birdie putt (my only one of the day). So I walked to the 16th tee ready for the challenge ahead of me and feeling good about my swing.

As we walked to the tees at No. 16, the markers in the back indicating where to tee off were there and waiting. But those are simply the furthest tees that were set up for the day, and for course members and guests — those weren’t the championship tees that will be featured for the Kaulig Companies Championship. So we still had 30 or 40 more yards to walk until we were all the way in the back of the tee box. I can’t give you an exact location because I wasn’t sure if we were still in Akron.

Oh, and just to make this more fun, we were playing into the wind — you know, just to add to the hilarity of the task at hand.

And then, standing at the top of the ridge looking at the endless challenge ahead of me, my golf-centric beating began. And, boy, did it get ugly.